Life's work

I envy life. I envy it for the control it has over us in all its aspects. Fairness in life is system, created by humans, sent down from the gods as a recommendation. Not far from cue systems at cashiers or clubs. It’s a guideline. But how do we learn? If god is fair to all of us, how will I learn from my mistakes and other people’s mischief? How will I look up to others and feel envy? Fairness is a tool used by governments to allow tax return and public health services. It doesn’t exist in emotions, jobs, wealth and education. You don’t choose your lifestyle; it usually forced upon you. Either by peer pressure or social setting you live it. Nobody is happy. Happiness comes in dozes, sometimes it takes a lot of pain to feel it but it does come and that is what we hope and look for.

From my life it’s harsh. It’s confusing. Aren't we all confused about our relationships? We don’t know what we want. When we get it, we want something else. But we appreciate it, but sometimes it’s a fool's errand. Well, it's my purgatory, really. Dinner, drinks, whatever. Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway - because it's true. All women are, in one way or another. You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret, an unbearable habit that needs a cure and a cause. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. You’re god’s finest work. But then there's the morning after. The hangover and the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. The fear of more confusion, failure and pain. And then she’s gone. And it haunts me, the thought of yet another road not taken. Realizations of what could be or what could not. Visualizing on the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, moments of despair. But why is it that we do it to ourselves? We always say the right one will come along and stick around. Time is the only cure. Until we fall again. And again. Until your feeling of self-loathing besets you, turning life’s mystery to an even bigger one. But for most of us, that day comes and happiness conquers all. Where we don’t have to wonder anymore. Where we live the dream, and move on to bigger conquests of life. Maybe there is a formula, maybe there isn’t. We are just creatures fighting to live and living to fight. Until it presents itself, fairness is a measure in my world. I hope it’s more in yours. And one day maybe it will mean more fort me and for you.